When and When Not to Take Critique to Heart

"Do not take to heart all the things that people say..." -Ecclesiastes 7:21

Beloved Kinney,

I was really struck by something I read in the Bible reading plan recently. It made me,
once again, appreciate the nuance of Scripture! Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 says, “Do not take
to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart
knows that many times you yourself have cursed others.”

Sometimes it is unwise to “take to heart” things that people say of you or to you. It’s
difficult for many of us to evaluate critique, whether we should take it to heart or whether
we should dismiss it.

As I reflected on this principle, I wanted to provide some practical advice on when and
when not to take to heart critique given to you.

When not to take critique to heart…
1) The person giving critique has a pattern of showing they’re not truly for you.
Perhaps they’re just overly critical or they have a selfish agenda. Perhaps all they
ever do is give you critical feedback. Whatever the case, if they’ve not
demonstrated a pattern of truly being for you, then it may be wise not to take their
critique to heart.
2) The person giving critique has a pattern of gossip or slander. When someone
loves to talk poorly about others behind their back, whether saying true things or
not, they are usually not a reliable source of critique.
3) Others who know you best would say otherwise. If those in your life who know
you best do not agree with the critique given, then it may be wise not to take a
critique to heart. This is one reason it’s important to be known!
4) The critique is simply not true. If what is said is objectively untrue, then you
shouldn’t take it to heart! It is not humble to take to heart what isn’t true.

When to take critique to heart…
1) The person giving critique obviously loves you. If you know a person is for you
and has your best interest in mind, especially when they’ve demonstrated a
pattern of love, then you should take the critique to heart; meaning, you should
truly evaluate if there is truth to it. You should not dismiss it. They might be wrong
or off a bit, but if they know and love you, it’s worth deeply considering.
2) The critique is true, or even partially true. You’ve heard it said, “Though a person
may miss the bullseye, that doesn’t mean they missed the target.” That’s pretty
helpful. Of course it can be misapplied at times, but it’s overall a helpful thing to
ask, “Are they on to something? Let me evaluate it.”
3) The critique points out a pattern. It’s easy to dismiss a critique that points out
something that was done once; but when a pattern is pointed out, that’s different.
Of course, a person could be misreading you, thinking a pattern of sinful or
unwise behavior exists, when it doesn’t. But it is ordinarily wise to listen and
evaluate when a person says they notice a pattern.
4) The critique is clearly biblical. Often when we are critiqued, there isn’t necessarily
a clear verse to back it up. That’s because the person critiquing is seeking to
apply what they know the Word says to you. They might be off in that application.
But they might not be. If there is a straight line from the Bible to whatever they’re
critiquing you about, you need to take it to heart. If it is more of a jagged line
(steps of implications from a passage or biblical principle), consider it, pray about
it, and ask the Lord to help you see if it’s valid.

I know I struggle with getting critiqued! I want people to think well of me. But I’m human.
I’m a sinner. So are you. We need constructive critique, at times. So we must be
humble, but we also must be wise. Don’t take every critique to heart, but don’t dismiss
all critique. In the end, our chief end must be to glorify and enjoy God. Let that be your
guide, and you’ll do well.

Love,
Pastor Josh